”What do you want!?”

I've recently had a thing going on with a guy. I know it sounds vaguely dirty, but believe me: It's not. He bought me flowers for my birthday, and I adore him for doing that. I'm just not certain how I'm supposed to respond to anything, when I really don't know what I want next. We were fine with this, until a few days ago. He started asking me questions which I certainly had no right away answer for, and I told him so, kind of hoping he would let it pass.

I was SO wrong.

Today he started again. We started texting a bit, and we were talking about visits. Well… I kind of let him down, I guess. It really isn't my fault, really. Work is just crappy these days, we're short of staff, and there are millions of things that we should have done that don't get finished, at least not by the deadline, because we simply run out of time. I also have a horse and a dog, both of them basically crave a lot of my time, but it's what I do. It's my thing. Get over it. I tried to explain this to him, that my job is so fu**ed up beyond repair, that it's impossible for me to just take a weekend off, without being paged and called every ten seconds. Something always goes wrong whenever I try to relax. It always does. I guess I have really bad karma or something.

Anyhow; he responded quite harsh to my rejection: "I give up." Ouuuch. That really, really stung. Because the truth is, I don't want him to give up quite yet. And so I told him. "How much time are we talking here?", he asked, and once again I was silent. "I don't know", was my only response. "For heaven's sake Maddie, what DO you want?!", he tried. I still had no answer for it. The thing is. I'm too uncertain about what I feel and what I want right now to even try to figure out what I want him to be to me. The ball is in my court. The thing is, I promised to call him when I figure out what I want. Would it then be sleazy of me to send an explanation-email?

So… if anyone has an answer for me, on what I want, that would be awesome. Cause frankly… I have no clue. What do I want?

XOXO