”What do you want!?”

I've recently had a thing going on with a guy. I know it sounds vaguely dirty, but believe me: It's not. He bought me flowers for my birthday, and I adore him for doing that. I'm just not certain how I'm supposed to respond to anything, when I really don't know what I want next. We were fine with this, until a few days ago. He started asking me questions which I certainly had no right away answer for, and I told him so, kind of hoping he would let it pass.

I was SO wrong.

Today he started again. We started texting a bit, and we were talking about visits. Well… I kind of let him down, I guess. It really isn't my fault, really. Work is just crappy these days, we're short of staff, and there are millions of things that we should have done that don't get finished, at least not by the deadline, because we simply run out of time. I also have a horse and a dog, both of them basically crave a lot of my time, but it's what I do. It's my thing. Get over it. I tried to explain this to him, that my job is so fu**ed up beyond repair, that it's impossible for me to just take a weekend off, without being paged and called every ten seconds. Something always goes wrong whenever I try to relax. It always does. I guess I have really bad karma or something.

Anyhow; he responded quite harsh to my rejection: "I give up." Ouuuch. That really, really stung. Because the truth is, I don't want him to give up quite yet. And so I told him. "How much time are we talking here?", he asked, and once again I was silent. "I don't know", was my only response. "For heaven's sake Maddie, what DO you want?!", he tried. I still had no answer for it. The thing is. I'm too uncertain about what I feel and what I want right now to even try to figure out what I want him to be to me. The ball is in my court. The thing is, I promised to call him when I figure out what I want. Would it then be sleazy of me to send an explanation-email?

So… if anyone has an answer for me, on what I want, that would be awesome. Cause frankly… I have no clue. What do I want?

XOXO

Just my luck!

I'm a huge poker fan, especially Texas Hold'em. There's a bar that I occasionally go to, where the owners also are poker players. Every Saturday they have tournaments (we don't play for money, but still.), where anyone who wants to can join. A lot of Saturday nights, especially when I have the following Sunday off, I go there, have a few beers, and play poker. Just for the fun. Yesterday was my "Sober Saturday", part because I have to go to work today and part because I was insanely tired. Somehow, the first table didn't work out for me. I was on the top of my game, and I gambled like a true player. But, it didn't take long before I was out of chips, and had to leave the table. My friend Charlotte was still in the game, but she couldn't hold her breath for too long either.

Round two on the other hand, started out really, really bad. Suddenly I had 9$ (fake money) worth of chips, and decided to go all in, with a 3 and 9 on the hand, and two kings and a three on the table. I was getting tired, and wanted to go home, so I didn't really care. Besides, I didn't have all that much to lose anyway. The next card on the table was a three. Clover, I think. I had hearts. Well… Considering that there already was two kings on the table, chances were good that someone had three kings, and would take the pot, so I could go home. "Any more bets?" the dealer asked, but all she got was "check" from everyone. I didn't have anything to bet anyway, so it didn't matter to me. "Nothing?" she asked one more time, but everyone stayed quiet. A moment of silence before she flipped the last card. "Damn it!" I thought as the last three turns. Unless anyone had two kings on the hand, or something higher than four 3's, I'd probably be sitting by the table a bit longer. And, just my luck. The pot was mine.

So… Apparently my luck had turned. In a bad way, sort of. All in just didn't work out for me. I tried to be able of leaving the table, but unless there's some sort of crisis, we're not allowed to leave the table until we're out. The second, third and fourth time I put All in, I came out with even more than I started out with. It took me six "all in's" to be able to leave the table, as the fifth time resulted in a split pot.

I've never been so happy to lose a poker game. Sometimes, it's better to lose. Kind of surrender, raise the white flag. I was so tired, and I had a long drive home, so I figured that it was better to just finish and leave. But I had a good time, though. It was fun while it lasted. Now I know my tactics next time. "All in" on crappy cards, and hold back when you have a good hand.

"Success in life does not come from holding a good hand, but in playing a poor hand well." Denis Waitley

That's poker philosophy!

XOXO

Flower power?

Recently, a male friend of mine and I have had some sort of a discussion, whether giving flowers to a girl is a cool and totally appreciated thing, or if it's somewhat cheesy and forgive-me'ish. I think we basically agreed on it, but it seems like the rest of the world disagrees. I mean… I'm a girl. And I love getting flowers. It doesn't matter if it's from my dad, a boyfriend, a date, a friend or my brother. I love getting flowers. And he loves giving flowers to girls (which makes us the perfect couple, except that we're just friends).

But, everyone else seems to think that when a guy gives a girl flowers, especially if it's a girl he's romantically involved with, he sorry for something. And typically, he gets accused of cheating. I mean… Here's a guy, trying to impress a girl that he really, really likes, and buys her flowers for more money than he really can afford (he's been saving up for that new car, you know…), and instead of a "thank you" or a kiss on the cheek, she accuses him of cheating on her, or somehow guilt trips him. Seriously… Girls are evil! He's just trying to be nice, and show his dream girl that he really likes her, and maybe he even writes a somewhat crappy, but still sweet poem, and all he gets is the door in his face. Why, girls, why? Do we not like flowers anymore? I still love flowers, and I still want to be given flowers. But the way that guys get beaten up for giving us flowers, some day they just might stop. Do we want that to happen? No! So be nice to the "flower men". We need them.

So… Why do I like flowers? Well… They're pretty, for one. And I've never been spoiled when it comes to flowers (maybe because I kill them?). But still. It's the thought of it. The appreciation. A flower can say so much more than chocolates and perfume and gifts (though I probably wouldn't reject either of them). And one single flower, such as a rose, or a lily (lilies are my favorite) is fascinating, one way or another. It gets noticed, it gets cared for, and the beauty of it never fades (until they die, though).

Everyone remembers in high school, at the prom, where the girls who didn't have a date, and didn't dance were called "wall flowers", right? Well… What on earth is wrong with being a wall flower? Even wall flowers are flowers. And they usually are beautiful! What child didn't read the story about the ugly baby duck that turned into a swan? Everyone has their ups and downs. And I shit you not: The people who are wall flowers in high school usually are the most interesting and gifted ones later in life. The real losers are the beauty queens. They never really learn to pick their fights. And they never learn to stand up for themselves.

I might even be the shallowest person you can imagine. I even admit that looks do matter when I approach someone. Not the pure beauty of it, but the grace a person carries themselves with. The way they light up. People seem to forget how much a smile can mean. How much it does to you. Dress up, dress down, curl or straighten your hair and add some color! It doesn't matter. But put a smile on your face, make yourself look good. Beauty is appreciated no matter where in the world you are. Why not make the best of it. I'm not saying that you should use an hour in front of the mirror every day. Just give it SOME effort. Try to smile, try to put smiles on other people's faces. Be a flower.

Appreciate the beauty you have, not the beauty you could have had. It doesn't matter what your starting point is, you'll still be the one drawing up the finish line. Just be the beauty you can be. Give it a try. Show your personality, the good side of it. Be a better person. And be beautiful. You can cheat your looks by being a beautiful personality, but you can't cheat a beautiful personality by being a good look.

The only thing that can be described as beautiful, with absolutely no personality at all, is a flower. That's power. Flower power.

XOXO

On the road... Again.

I've always been quite a mover. I hate the packing up all my stuff-part, and the moving all my stuff-part, and the unpacking all my stuff trying to make my new house a new home-part. I seriously hate it. But I love the feeling of starting over. The feeling of fresh air. The feeling I get in a new place, where I can be whoever I want to be. I mean... I'll still be myself, just in a different way. The funny part is, no matter how hard I try to be someone, I always end up being myself. And I don't care. The problem is, that the person I am, doesn't seem to want to stay somewhere for a long time. I'm never really in it for the future. My previous relationships are proof enough, but also the moving around-part is convincing. Consider this: I'm 22 years old, and I've lived in 26 different houses. That's a whole hell of a lot more than most grown-ups have. I'm like a travelling circus freakshow. If I get bored, I just move somewhere else.

OK, so maybe we moved around a bit when I was a kid. And I just never really stopped. Maybe this is the reason why I hate all kinds of clutter and chaos so badly. I know that sooner or later, I'll have to re-pack and re-load everything, to move on to another place. Today is December 9^th. Most people I know already have started thinking about buying a Christmas tree, and decorating their houses for the holidays. Me on the other hand… I kind of enjoy seeing the rainbow bright lights in the shops, and I kind of admire the trees and the lights and the Christmas Carols downtown. But I still don't want my house to look like Santa's freaking village! I don't need my living room to look like Santa threw up in there. I don't need the baby Jesus and the Elfs and stockings on the fireplace. I just need the peace. A clean and tidy house is Serenity to me. Nothing keeps me more relaxed than knowing that I can come home and be surrounded by peace, quiet and a tidy environment.

Anyway. I'm sort of on the edge of moving again. This time a bit further south, but still, probably not home enough. I'm getting used to it, though. Leaving one place after another, trying to make a home for myself. I can't wait! Two very close friends of mine already live there, in Kristiansand (Norway), and they've said they'll welcome me with open arms. But something just doesn't seem permanent about it. For one, my plan is to go to medical school. And I just can't do it there. But Bergen is somehow fascinating to me. So Kristiansand is just a step closer, further away, sort of. I don't know. Living out of a suitcase, I'm basicly packed and ready to go. And there is something else in Bergen that sort of drags me there, I'm just not ready to tell the world yet. Time will show. :)

Either way, I'm still a bit rootless. Whatever that means. But hopefully, I'll have somewhere to call my home in not too long. Hope. That's what keeps me going.

XOXO